i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
