Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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