if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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