She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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