And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
