I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Randomize
