when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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