she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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