Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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