Me. At least after what I've been through.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
