Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Randomize
