Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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