it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
