My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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