Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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