I need help removing her.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
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