Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
