that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
