The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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