Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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