She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
