When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
