your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
i need some magic done to my vagina
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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