one word: firstdatebathroomanal
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
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so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.