I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Actions speak louder than pants.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(