my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome