I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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