best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
