You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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