My Higher Power is John Stamos
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
