Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Randomize
