Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
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His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
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I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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