im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
