I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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