His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
