Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
