The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
