You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
