turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
