You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
