I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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