Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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