Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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