I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
