I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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