I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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