So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
