cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
