i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
