I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
