Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
