This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
