I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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