just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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