Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
