I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
