I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
God I need to hump something, right now.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
