Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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